Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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