Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
