Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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