dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
