wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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