Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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