last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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