real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
