apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize