You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
