Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
