this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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