How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
