My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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