When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
