I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
