White coat. Heels.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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