she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
