someone threw a dead crab at me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
