A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
