i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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