Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
