How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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