i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
