Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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