Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
