I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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