i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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