Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
