So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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