i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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