i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
COCAINE IS GR8
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
