drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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