At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
tell me about the eggs
We smell like vodka and hangover
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
