Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
