Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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