batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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