I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
