i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
