I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
