i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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