Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I didn't notice because vodka
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
