Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
