So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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