i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need to wash the frat house off of me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize