Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
