I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
