just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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