remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
