Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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