Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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