Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
