Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
