I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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