my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
