YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
