Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
