Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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