just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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